Fear of Blank Canvases

I was on a quest tonight to clean our bedroom, really clean it. I stumbled upon this paper in my nightstand that I wrote about a year ago (it's not dated but I remember writing ferociously one night in between feedings with Ray). This is from my pre blog days. Warning: it is a little deep, a little dark at times (think Sarah's postpartum days...), a lot random, very unedited, very circular thinking. I think I've grown a little in this area of my life over the past year but yes, sadly, I am still afraid of blank canvases.

"Freedom of speech, freedom to express ones self in any way they please - it seems like an easy enough concept but it is rather difficult for me lately. I wouldn't consider the actual speaking part difficult more the idea of creative expression. I feel the urge to be creative; to move my hands, my mouth , my entire body in such a way that unleashes the creative fury that is bubbling way under the surface of my soul. It isn't even the act of being creative, plenty of creative ideas pop in to my head it is the unleashing that is difficult - something holds me back. Feeling free and freedom are two completely different things. I have freedom to do whatever I please but I don't feel that freedom or live it out. If I really felt free I would dance and sing and laugh and paint and draw and write and just be and I wouldn't have to be great at any of them. I would just be free in doing them - I think I have a little bit of a "hippy" spirit in me. Lately, I am on a kick of trying to recycle and reuse scrap paper and donate things we don't use but maybe other people could. Maybe I just feel guilty about the mass amount of diapers we throw out on a daily basis and how they sit somewhere never really decomposing. I have been feeling more excited about being a "light shade of green" and trying out Giant Eagle instead of Kroger than I have about Jesus. I feel like we all have causes we stand for or things we get on "kicks" about. We buy the product, wear the tshirts, talk it up, join groups about the new "it" thing on Facebook - What if we acted like the "it" thing were Jesus? I bet that would change the diaper heap we live in. If we took all this creative energy and balled it up and tossed it up to Jesus, He would really use it. But, it's the turning to Jesus part that seems rather difficult for me lately. In the background of my life - behind the crying baby, the Wonderpets theme song, the noises of life - I hear Jesus and I know my desire to be freely creative is from Him and it's a beautiful form of worship. The silly drawings or singing in the car or spinning in circles with Sam until we get too dizzy or the words that pop in my head that don't get written down -they are all little gifts from Jesus who is so desperately seeking me. So, the question is - How do I find freedom to creatively pursue him? It seems more clear now that it is not a lack of freedom in my creativity it's a lack of Jesus in my creativity that's holding me back. After all, Jesus brings a sweet balance between captivity and freedom. He'll hold me just close enough to feel safe but give me enough freedom to use the gifts and ideas he has put in me."

I'm glad I stumbled upon this. In conclusion I would say, Freely create what the Creator has created you to create. Thankfully, I'm pretty sure that includes, food, tote bags, music, gardens, babies, cakes, cheese, cross stitches, stories, dances, jokes, Papa-ism's, thesis papers, games, geo-caching tokens, compost bins, seed bombs...